Types of Real Trouble * Self-Destruction The old fashioned way to get into real trouble was by eating, drinking, taking drugs, getting diseases, and acting like a pig and a fool until you died. Today this is considered hopelessly poky and selfish. A clearly willful act of suicide in early youth is preferable, and more interesting to the public. You should consider the feelings of others before you commit suicide. Try to kill yourself in a public place. Climb up on a bridge or out on a window ledge so that crowds can gather and cheer your urge to jump. Let at least one policeman climb out after you before you leap. This is how they earn medals and promotions. If you are too shy or too afraid of heights for such a public exit, you can include others in your gesture by leaving a well-composed suicide note. Even better is to leave a number of notes addressed to different people, explaining how each of them was the principle cause of your despair. They'll be more flattered as to their importance than they would be if included in a general 'everybody hates me' sort of explanation. Guns are always the best method of private suicide. They are more stylish looking than straigh-edged razor blades and natural gas has gotten so expensive. Drugs are too chancy. You might miscalcuate the dosage and just have a good time. Or you might wind up in the hospital as a human vegetable, in which case you'll spend the rest of your life being pestered to become the head of a Federal regulatory agency. Some people favor committing suicide in the nude for additional shock value. But try to be honest with yourself about how your body looks naked. It's safer to wear something simple in white or light grey. Both go well with blood. And be sure to empty your bladder and your bowels before shooting yourself. Gore from a bullet wound is very impressive, but there is always an element of low comedy to excrement (as witnessed by the mention of it through out these posts...) There are times and places, of course, wehre it would be very bad manners to commit suicide. * Never commit suicide at someone else's funeral. This is stealing the show--much too pushy. * Try not to kill yourself in a way that will make you a martyr. The world does not need more hideous portraits painted on black velvet of the type seen depicting Martin Luther King, Jr., Jesus Christ, and John F. Kennedy. * Do not commit suicide to get back at your parents if they really DO despise you. You'll just be playing into their hands. * Young people should not commit suicide over thier college grades until their final exam scores have lowered the class curve. Next time: Killing others Major Pec... does your body good! Party Food If it is a real party, no one will care about food. Food may still be served, however, but strictly for it's amusement value. * Dog-Food Pate Don't tell anyone what's in it until everyone has had some. * Hors d'Drugs Getting the toothpicks into the Quaaludes is the tough part. * Anchovy Rolls in the Hay Scatter a tray full of anchovy rolls under the covers in a bed you know some couple is going to sneak off and get into. * Whale Caviar Actually it's goose eggs soft-boiled for one and a half minutes. What a mess. * Margarine The ideal party spread. Spread it on the guests. Doesn't go rancid as fast as real butter and the gooey sticks are more erotic than Crisco cans. * Pizza for Five Hundred With everything. Have it all delivered to Rita's house or someplace like that. * Raw Eggs Taste terrible but taste great in a food fight. * Bearded Clam Dip Best left to the imagination. * Spaghetti as Finger Food Secret is to use the microwave instead of boiling it. * Soup Nagasaki Put unopened cans of Campbell's soup into the oven at five hundred degrees and get out of there, fast. Next time: Where Babies Come from and where they should go. Keeping Men Cooperative It's important for women to resist the temptation to demand UNCONDITIONAL surrender from men. Men might get cranky. They might decide that it's better to rule in the bowling alleys and the duck blinds than serve in the House of Representatives, for example. And pro bowlers are poor alimony risks. On the other hand, Satan probably wouldn't have talked so big if God had been his WIFE. He would have been to busy getting brimstone out of there and installing air conditioning. So when you go on a date with a man, it's perfectly acceptable to make it clear that you are harder-working, more successful, and better paid than he is. But you should also realize that he needs to retain a measure of self-respect, which is why, no matter how much you're makaing, you should let him pay for everything. Women can also reassure men about their social roles by adhering to traditional forms of address. An unmarried man is called 'Mister,' and a married man is called in a high shrill voice five or six times a day on the telephone at work. Woman's Duty to Preserve Mankind Besides the selfish reasons for sparing men, there is another consideration. Men are part of earth's natural heritage. It would be a shame for the children to grow up without knowing what a man looks like, never witnessing the impressive bulk of an unshaved male lying on the couch with a beer and a cigarette in an undershirt and boxers, watching football, or seeing men only in zoos. Next Time: Advice for Modern Men "Here's to woman! Would that we could fall into their arms without falling into their hands." -- Ambrose Bierce MAJOR PEC... Does Your Body Good! Getting into Real Trouble In order to be perfectly correct, when you decide to get real trouble, you should make sure that it's you who gets killed or sent to jail. But etiquette is not as exacting on this point as it once was. Today it's often considered acceptable to have lots of people go to the grave or Leavenworth with you. You must still be careful about motive, however. It shouldn't look as though you need to cause trouble to attract attention. It's always rude to remind others of inadequacies, especially your own. And you should never cause trouble out of anger. If you are mad at someone and you shoot him, real trouble will result. But you'll also lose that person's friendship. The more courteous thing to do would be to slap him with a huge lawsuit. That way you'll enjoy the trouble and he'll enjoy the publicity. Thus the wheels of polite society are oiled. Nor should you ever create trouble for a 'cause'. Planting pipe bombs is no end of fun, but planting them in order, say, to free Croatia from Yugoslav political control looks to calculating. Also, having a cause gives others implite thoughts about how empty your life must be otherwise. Next time: Self-destruction Major Pec... does your body good! Modern Dating: Its Causes and Cures Dating is a social engagement with the threat of sex at its conclusion. Most dating results from lingering guilt about masturbation. Of course, no one feels religious or ethical guilt about masturbation anymore. But people do feel guilty for not being more successful. They believe that if they were more successful they would have someone to handle their genitals for them and would not have to do it themselves. Sophisticated people masturbate without compunction. They do it for reasons of health, privace, thrift, and because of the remarkable perfection of invisible sex partners. But, more important, they masturbate for philosophical reasons. It is an ethos of modern life that before you can love others, you must be able to love yourself. And what's love without sex? But people who are a sond of impressing others as they are of being impressed with themselves still feel compelled to have sexual 'relationships.' Naturally, if had at all, these relationships should be had according to the forms and usages of modern society. Who Should NOT Date? Polite dating is generally accepted by society, but there are some people who should refrain from doing it publicly. * People who have just received a clean bill of health on an AIDS antibody test (because half ofthe fun of modern dating is contained in the spectacle of two slight acquaintances trying to figure out polite ways to ask each other whether they perform anal sex with bisexual central African hemophiliac intravenous drug users.) * Recent widows or widowers should not take a date to the funeral. * It is impolite for old people to date because the rest of us are disgusted at the thought of them in bed together. Next Time: Meeting people and Making a Date MAJOR PEC... Does Your Body Good! Real Trouble Real trouble is not the same as acting up or being intentionally rude. Real trouble results in death or a long prison term. Nothing could be more modern or more mannerly than real trouble. It produces that rarest and most exquisite contemporary sensation--the polite thrill. The Lack of Polite Thrills in Modern Life With the elimination of social complexities, such as duty and virtue, modern life has come to be guided only by the pursuit of pleasure and the avoidance of pain. Thus humans have acheived the same natural perfection as wild beasts. But a price has been paid for this honest simplicity. Without the pricks of conscience or the obligations of rectitude to force us into dangers, our lives are no more thrilling than the lives of beetle larvae. Real trouble fixes this. If the lady next door roasts her child--preheating the oven to 550 degrees and placing the baby, fat side up, on a rack in an open pan, reducing the heat immediately to 350 degrees and cooking eighteen to twenty minutes per pound or until dead--numerous thrills are provided. There is the thrill of violent sensation (especially if you happen to open the oven door yourself). There is the thrill of importance as you carry the news to others. There is the thrill of creativity as you invent things about your neighbor to tell the press. And, most important, there is the ultimate, fabulous, and very polite thrill of not having given in to the temptation to do the same to your own kid. But it is this very thrill of NOT having caused the pandemonium that points out the big problem with real trouble. It's such a bore waiting for others to get into it. Waiting goes against the grain of modern life. As a result, many people feel compelled to get into real trouble themelves even though they know it's going to be a bother. Next time: Getting into real trouble Major Pec... does your body good! Four Rules for Men Trying to give Women What they Want Rule 1: Be A Husband to All Women No matter how liberated she is, every woman still wants a husband. No one knows why, but it's true. Even Jane Fonda has a husband, of a sort. Being a husband to all women is, biologically, a daunting proposition. Locker-room claims to the contrary, most of us find it's all we can do to service just one woman, let alone the whole SEX. However, it is the privately help opinion of most women that their spouses aren't much good for this anyway. There are other more characteristic and less physically taxing ways of playing the husband. Even if you live alone, you should put your feet up on the furniture, smoke stinky cigars, and never take the garbage out. Identify with the role. Try to be a husband at all times. Refer to any woman within earshot as 'the old lady', ask every woman you meet, "When's dinner?" and go right up to women you've never seen before in your life and tell them they've put on weight. Rule 2: Provide Orgasms Another of women's grievances is that male sexual techniques do not result in satisfactory female climaxes. Men must therefore be certain to provide orgasms to any females with whom they are allowed intimate contact. I wish I could be more specific, but I cannot. Although I am in favor of feminism, I am still only a man and, frankly, does not know anything about where female orgasms come from. However, women seem to get a lot of what they like at cute little shops with names like 'Things 'n Stuff.' Maybe, next time you're at the mall, you should check it out. Rule 3: Be a He-Man He-men used to do things like fly jet fighter planes and climb Mt. Everest. They did these things to impress timorous and admiring women. Once women stopped being timorous and admiring, it was the secret hope of all us he-men that we could stop flying jet-figher planes and climbing Mt. Everest and spend the rest of our lieves in a cozy restaurant with nothing more dangerous than a bad oyster for miles around. Unfortuantely we just look to cute in our flight suits and parkas for women to let us stop. This is why Margaret Thatcher had to invade the Falklands. Rule 4: Be Helpful Men have always been expected to be helpful to women. The same is true now, but the mode of helpfulness has changed with changing sex roles. One example will suffice. In the past, a man was expected to give his seat on a bus to a woman. Today it would be much more courteous for him to give her his job. Next Time: Modern Dating, It's Causes and Cures MAJOR PEC... Does Your Body Good! * Polite crime Never forget that the purpose of real trouble is the entertainment of others. There should be something novel and unique about the trouble you get into. Your crime needs what newspapermen call a 'hook.' * Stake someone at the top of the bell tower and San Juan Capistrano and let them get fluttered to death during the annual return of the swallows. * Cause cancer in a kidnap victim by force feeding him refined sugar and foods with chemical preservates in them. * Work at an abortion clinic for ten years, then to to a Catholic church and insist on turning yourself in to the authorities for mass murder. * Cause an anorexic girlfriend to drown by leaving the toilet seat up at her house. * Chain-saw murder has already been done, but nobody has killed anyone yet with one of those sring-fed lawn trimmers. It might take a while, but it will make the papers. Next time: Accidental Real Trouble Major Pec... does your body good! Hello. I'm going to start a daily installment of what I call Major Pec's manners for rude people. Since these are likely to be rude and obnoxious, I want to make a disclaimer before I begin. First, take my advice and don't take my advice. These are just for fun. I'm not going to be responsible for whomever decides to take me either literally or seriously and gets themselves killed, injured, and beat up. Second, WORK WITH ME. Lemme know what you think. I'd love to hear some comments or suggestions or addtions or SOMETHING, at least so I know people read these damn things... So have fun. Here goes! Manners... Why have the Things at All? The modern world is a horrid place. It lacks anything enduring and true. It is devoid of every tenable value. All existence is in disarry. Religious beliefs are no longer believed. Love is much discussed but little practiced. Morals are in confusion when they are in evidence at all. And intellect is no consolation: modern intelligence has become well-nigh unintelligible. Given that life is such a mess, why should anyone care which fork is for the oysters? And yet this may be the only thing we CAN care about. Just as cleanliness comes to the forte at moments when godliness is not possible, so manners are imporant when more traditional forms of authority collapse. When substance is execrable, we must make form do the work of content. The world is going to hell. All we can do is look good on the trip. What are manners? Manners are a way to express altruism in daily life. Either that, or manners are a way to fuck people over without them knowing it. Anyway, manners are what your mother always wanted you to have. Whether you mother is a noble idealist or a scheming bitch is something that must be decided by you. Next time: how can good manners be identified? Major Pec... does your body good! How can Good Manners be Identified? Good manners are a combination of intelligence, education, taste, and style mixed together so you need none of those things. Good manners have a number of distinctive qualities. First, they can be learned by rote. This is a good thing; otherwise most rich men's daughters could not be displayed in public. Secondly, manners do not vary from culture to culture. What is considered polite behavior that makes you a welcome guest in the drawing rooms at Kensington is equally appropriate amonng the Mud People of the fierce Orokaiva tribe in Paupa New Guinea--if you have a gun. This is the advantage of Western-style manners. Citizens of Westernized countries still have most of the guns. Another distinctive quality of manners is that they have nothing to do with what you do, only how you do it. For example, Karl Marx was always polite in the British Museum. He was courteous to the staff, never read with his hat on, and didn't make lip farts when he got the passages in Hegel with which he disagreed. Despite the fact that his political exhortations resulted in the deaths of millions, he is still more revered than not. On the other hand, John W. Hinckley, Jr., was only rude once, to a retired Hollywood movie actor, and Hinckley will be in a mental institution for the rest of his life. Next time: How do Good Manners Work? Major Pec... does your body good! How do Good Manners Work? Manners exist because they are useful. In fact, good manners are so useful that with them you can replace most of the things lacking in modern life. Good manners can replace morals. IT may be years before anyone knows if what you're doing is right. But if what you're doing is nice, it will be immediately evident. Senator Edward Kennedy, for instance, may not be a moral person, but he certainly is a nice one. You should be the same way yourself. If you happen to be on a sinking ship with too few lifeboats, take one and slip quietly away. There's going to be a terrific fuss among the other passengers, and it's rude to deliberately overhear an arguement that is none of your concern. Good manners can replace love. Most people would rather be treated courteously rather than loved, if they thought about it. Consider how few knifings and shootings are the result of etiquette as compared to passion. And good manners can replace intellect by providing a set of memorized responses to almsot every situation in life. Memorized responses eliminate the need for thought. Thought is not a very worthwhile pasttime, anyway. It allows the brain, an inert and mushy organ, unfair domination over the muscles, digestive system, and other parts of the body you can have a lot of thoughtless fun with. Thinking also leads to theories, which is always the antithesis of social correctness. How much better history would have been if the Nazis had been socially correct instead of true to thier hideous theories. They never would have shipped all those people to concentration camps in boxcars. They would have sent limousines to pick them up. The fact that good manners require interaction is finally the most useful trait. Manners force us to pay attention to the needs, desires, and hopes of other people. If you have good manners you will never become narcissistic and self-obssessed. A self-obssessed person is to be pitied; there are so many interesting people in the world, and while he's not paying attention to them they will probably rob and cheat him. Next time: Table manners Major Pec: Does your body good! Proper Use of the Napkin Proper use of the napkin is very important. The best way to use a napkin is as a shawl to imitate your grandmother in church while grace is said, or as a pretend matador's cape to wave at undercooked beef, or as a bandana to cover your face when you pull a stick-up on your dinner partner with a lamb- chop pistol and demand 'a date for the movies next Saturday night or you life.' Noises Made While Eating Another common table manners worry is about making noises while you eat. There's nothing wrong with making noise while you eat, as long as you make the right kind of noise. The right kind of noise sounds like this: "You DID? How fabulous! Oh, I ENVY you, honestly...She DIDN'T? How hideous... I COULDN'T agree with you more. You did exactly the right thing, dear." Industrial noises, barnyard sounds, and teh squeals and grunts of lovemaking are considered out of place, however. Miscellaneous Details Additional sources of confusion at formal dinners are the propriety of refusing what's served. Take lot's of whatever's offered. Then don't eat it. It's very chic not to eat, but refusing a dish interrupts the orderly balletic flow of service and alerts everyone at the table that you're fat. Expecially do not refuse wine. It is an odd but universally held opinion that anyone who doesn't drink must be an alcoholic. Where to Have a Party There is only one hard-and-fast rule about where to have a party: someone else's place. Small Parties Small parties are easy to plan. An old Supremes tape, a gram of cocaine, a fifth of Vodka, and some copies of Penthouse from the '70s when it was really dirty make for a perfect small party without the bother and complication of guests. Large Parties Large parties require much more than a fifth of Vodka and, usually, other people besides yourself. >>> Whom to Invite * People with more than a fifth of Vodka * All neighbors within earshot * Everybody you've ever slept with unless he or she insists on being accompainied by a lawyer * A lawyer of your own * Girls who take off their clothes at the slightest provocation * A homo to pick out the dance music * A bunch of people who've all married each other's former husbands and wives (to get the mate-swapping mood established) * Cute people * Loud people * Some famous people (they don't actually have to come, just be expected) * Some Kennedys * Some insecure people to make fools of themselves when the Kennedys show up * At least one person who will be deeply shocked by all that goes on (try not to be married to this one) As a general rule, figure out how many people the room will comfortable hold and invite ten times that many. Fun, like the flu, is contagious through close personal contact. >>> Whom NOT to Invite * Andy Warhol * Pat Robertson * Your parents Music All music necessary for a real party can be supplied by a half-dozen Supremes tapes and one dance music tape selected by the homo. Volume is more important than content, anyway. Volume is everything. If the volume won't kill songbirds in the yard and make the dog wet, it's not going to be a real party. Dancing The most popular kind of dancing that's done at parties is Gator, which is done after four or five hours of partying and doesn't require any music at all. In order to dance the Gator, the woman should lie down and the man should lie on top of her and they should wiggle around like gators. The best way to do this is on top of a pile of coats in the guest room. Next time: Party Games! MAJOR PEC... Does Your Body Good! Acting Up * Acting Cute If you know what you're doing is wrong, it's easy to learn how to get away with it. The first technique of misbehaving is to be cute. When the generation born after WWII began to act up, they wore feathers in their hair, put paint on their noses, and went around sticking chrysanthemums in rifle barrels. Life magazine adored it--it was so cute. But later they began doing things which were much less cute, like threatening to vote, and it became necessary to kill them at Kent State. Of course, 'hippies' were also violating a basic principle of cuteness; they were getting old. To be cute you must be young. If you had a great big adult dog andit whined all night, tore up your slippers, and wet on the rug, you'd have it gassed. But when a puppy does these things, it's cute. * Being Rich Rich people can get away with all sorts of things that are against the law for poor people. They can operate a motor vehicle under the influence of alcohol (as long as the motor vehicle is a yacht), and create public nuisances like the IBM headquarters building in Manhattan. We allow a great deal of latitude to the rich. This is our way of makit up to them for creating a world in which anything can be had for money but nothing is worth having. * Being Pretty Even better than being cute or rich is being pretty. Pretty people are forgiven for absolutely anything they do. And there's a very good reason for it. If it weren't for them, masturbation would be so dull for the rest of us. * Being Full of Charm If you are old, poor, and homely, the best you can do is be charming. Try to make the bad things you do fun for everyone. If you're in a DUI accident, give the other driver a drink, too, and be sure to offer one to the police when they arrive. This won't keep you out of trouble, but it will prolong the festivities for a little bit and that's almost as good. * Being Insane If you lack charm, claim insanity. It's an excellent way to get away with silly things like throwing a chair at Geraldo Rivera. A good lawyer can probably get your sentence reduced--if public sentiment is on your side.. that is, if you hurt Geraldo enough to keep him off the air for a few months. And at the psychiactric sessions you can do anything you want. Throw a chair at the psychiatrist, for example. It's considered therapeutic. Next Time: More ways to get yourself out of trouble... MAJOR PEC... Does Your Body Good! More Ways to Get out of Trouble: * Proper Use of Self-Destruction If none of the other things work, turn the destruction on yourself. When you're busting someone's collection of Boehm china birds, bust them on your own forehead. By hurting yourself you show others that what you're doing is "adorable", "extravagant", or "uncontrollable" not agressive. This was the difference between Jim Jones and Charles Manson, for instance. Sort of. Speaking of suicide, that's a good ploy, if you've been very, very bad. With a little experimentation you'll find there are a dozen ways to cut yourself a little around the wrist area and bleed all over the place with no read danger to anything but the carpet. Or, you don't have to do anything to yourself at all. Just call a freind and SAY you've taken an entire bottle of Nembutol. Everything will be forgiven. * Proper Use of Cash If you've really had fun, actual money might work; but alas full compensation will be way beyond your means. The easiest thing to do is carry a big roll of money wherever you go. This should consist of one fifty wrapped around about fifty ones. (Anybody should be willing to pay 100 bucks for a fabulous melee in which you starred as the center of attention.) Then--after you've upended your hostess's Hepplewhite chairs and piled them in the center of the room to reenact your great uncle's exploits at the seige of some castle you made up, and torn down your hostess's drapes to do you impression of a matador, and used two bottles of Beaujolais-Villages (or whatever) to show her how much better the Chinese rug would look in burgundy--THEN you can toss your wad onto the hall table and get the smack out of there. You'll be long gone by the time she's counted it. And, later, when she tells everyone that you didn't leave enough to cover damages, they'll just think she's belittling your grand gesture. * A Good Excuse The very last and most desparate means of getting away with naughty things is making up an excuse. This is risky, and seldom works unless you have a sympathetic audience like your mother. But sometimes you do something so bad--being a Nazi, for instance--that it DEMANDS some kind of excuse. Here's and exercise in excuse making which illustrates some of the difficulties. Pertend you are Adolph Eichmann and you're trying to excuse yourself to your mother for just having killed hundreds of thousands of Jews at Auschwitz. See if any of these excuses work: * I was in a real rush and I just threw something together. * Isn't that just like me? I could kick myself. Next time: Drinking! MAJOR PEC... Does Your Body Good! Drinking The only really courteous excuse for misbehaviour is "I was drunk." No one will forgive you for doing terrible things, but that's be point. "I was drunk" is the polite way of saying, "I shed my inhibitions and did exactly what I wanted to do, and if you provoke me I'll do it again." This gives people fair warning and tactfully tells them to mind their own business. The single drawback to alcohol is that you might not drink enough of it and live so long you'll see all the things that you've been dreading come to pass--greenhouse effect, 100% hetersexual AIDS exposure, nuclear war, and friends with machines on their telephones that not only answer calls but make them. Drugs in General A summary Drug: Alcohol Social Occosations Appropriate to Use: Any What to Do: Shed clothes in restaurant, don dress belt with napkin draped over crotch, stand on chair and recite 'Hiawatha.' What to Say: Where's the parrrrrrrrrty!? What to Break: Dishes, Marriage Vows How to Excuse Yourself the Next Day: "I hadn't eaten anything since lunch." Drug: Marijuana Social Occasions Appropriate to Use: Rock concerts, horror movie screenings, time spent alone in bedroom as a teenager. What to Do: Listen to the Moody Blues on the stereo, look at Bloomingdale's underwear catalogs, eat Mallomars What to Say: "Wow." "Oh, wow." "Really." "Wow." What to Break: Glass bongs, lava lamps How to Excuse Yourself: Wow, that was some heavy shit! Drug: Cocaine Social Occasions appropriate to use: Visits to dance clbs and other moments of private desperation What do Do: Do more coke What do say: Say you never do coke anymore What to Break: Promises How to Excuse youreslf: If you have any left, you'll still be there acting up. Drug: LSD Social Occations Appropriate to use: College reunions, weekends at Big Sur What do Do: Stare at trees, rocks, bugs, self What do Say: "This is incredible! I'd forgotten how incredible this is! Really incredible!" What do Break: The space/time continuum How to Excuse Yourself: Freak out and cry Drug: Crack Social Occasions Approprite to Use: Robbery, burglary, assault, murder What to Do: Robbery, Burglary, assault, murder What to Say: "Fuck off." What to Break: Laws. How to Excuse Yourself: Make bail. Next time: How modern people have stopped taking drugs and where they get all those drugs they've stopped taking. MAJOR PEC... Does Your Body Good! Drugs * Heroin: Heroin and the other "downs" are not polite. These drugs effectively eliminate the painful aspect of existence, which, nowadays, is almost all of it. Pain, such as a pain in the ass, is the thing that commonly alerts us to the presence of other people. Interaction with others is what manners are all about. Don't take "downs." Try to be "down on life" instead. * Marijuana: Marijuana, on the other hand, makes you sensitive. Courtesy has a great deal to do with being sensitive. Unfortunately, marijuana makes you the kind of sensitive where you insist on everyone listening to all your old depressing Paul Simon tapes, and that's not very courteous. * Crack: It's very rude to try crack a few times and not get addicted. This could throw a number of hysterical politicians and overwrought public health experts out of work. * The hallucinogens: The hallucinogenic drugs such as psilocybin, mescaline, and peyote are not rude per se. But it can be difficult to observe all the niceties of etiquette when being chased down the road by a nine-headed cactus demon. Next time: Cocaine: The only polite drug. MAJOR PEC... Does Your Body Good! Cocaine As a general rule, cocaine is the only polite drug. This is because cocaine makes us intelligent, charming, witty, well-dressed, a good conversationalist, and sexually attractive. Common Rules of Cocaine Etiquette It is important to remember that cocaine is unhealthy; therefore when a friend offers you a 'nose Nike' you should be sure to Electrolux as much as possible. This is so your friend won't become psychotic or suffer from heart palpitations if there is any left. The Three Most Commonly Asked Questions about Cocaine Q: How should cocaine be served? A: Often, when with friends, you will not want to share your 'granualted money' with all of them. But it is rude to pass the vial of 'face Drano' around to some people at the table but not to others and that could get you slugged. This is rude. Instead, you should be more surruptitious... say something like "Boy, I sure have to go the bathroom, and so to Robert and Janet and Carol, but Joe and Fred and Bob don't have to go." Q: Who Pays? A: Some people say that the hostess should pay for the cocaine as part of the entertainment. Some people say that the guests should pay for the cocaine in return for the courtesy of the hostess. But most people feel that society in general should have to pay for cocaine by having to watch self-indulgent maniacal stand up comedians, crazed disjointed pop concert performances, and piteous pleading anti-drug commercials on late-night television. Q: What Should Be served with Cocaine? A: Most people like a couple thousand cigarrettes with their 'indoor Aspen lift lines'. Some other people like to take lots of sedatives to acheive that marvelous feeling of having taken no drugs at all. But courtesy demands that everyone should drink lots of whiskey or gin with their cocaine, so that others will perceive them as drunk and not merely stupid. MAJOR PEC... Does Your Body Good! Next time: The basic tenets of good conversation. * Bombs There is something impersonal about bombs that keeps them from ever being in the best of taste. An exception is if you are the head of government in a country with an extensive nuclear arsenal. In which case you can be confident that your bombs will affect everyone in a deeply personal matter, and you may use them at will. * Hostage Taking Taking hostages is the reverse of having old friends from college over to stay at your house. When you take hostages, you've got a bunch of unpleasant, grumpy, half-crazed people on your hands, and you're threatening to shoot them if they DO leave. This makes no sense. And a polite person wouldn't have anything to do with people as disheveled and silly-acting as most hostages, anyway. PRETENDING to take hostages, however, is a great way to get rid of those old friends from college. Call the police and say you're holding your old friends from college at gunpoint. The police will do everything they can to get them off your hands. * Sexual Assault Sexual assault is very outre. The better class of people are surfeited with sex and would never think of attacking someone to get more of it (though they might hit someone over the head to get a dinner invitation.) Sexaul assault is still fashionable, however, when women rape men. The liteal meaning of rape is 'to carry away.' That is exactly how most women make their assaults--by carrying away lots of expensive clothing and jewelry from department stores and clobbering their husbands with the bill. But this is not real trouble; it's not even against the law. Next time: Polite crime Major Pec... does your body good! Imparting Values to the Child Naturally you want a child to be mature and respectful and keep out of your hair, but simple vanity will dictate that you will also want the child to turn out exactly like you. This is best accomplished by example. Yell at the child and boss him around to show him what it's like to be self-actualized and have control over his environment. The Facts of Life The principle fact of life is, of course, death. Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective. As for sex, modern life has made telling a child about this much easier-- in fact, unnecessary. You should, however, have a 'birds and bees' talk with your child just to make sure he has sex figured out by the time he's five. He's not paying much attention to the world around him if he doesn't, and maybe you should have him checked for mental retardation. Medical Problems Hyperactivity is a medical tragedy that strikes one out of every one modern children. You should see a doctor about it. Maybe he'll give your child drugs and you can steal them. Next time: Real Trouble. When you lawyer tells your accountant that your agent thinks you should see a doctor Gossip Gossip is what you say about the objects of flattery when they aren't present. Gossip is similar to flattery in that sense and judgement should play no part in it. But, it can be more solidly grounded in fact, especially viscous gossip. Given the way most people act these days, this should be no problem. Never gossip about people you don't know. This dprives simple artisans like Kitty Kelly of work. The best subject of gossip is someone you and your audience love dearly. The enjpyment of gosssip is thus doulbed: the delight of disapprobation is added to the additional delight of pity. The best topic for gossip is sex. This is (most) sex acts take place in private and are easy to deny. Nothing indicts like denial. Other excellent subjects for gossip are secret alcoholism and secret drug addiction. But you can also gossip about drinking and drug taking done in public and freely admitted to. If a person has no shame about his behavior, it's really your job to supply some. It would be wrong, however, to think that all gossip is negative. You can gossip about a friends accomplishments and privelages--for instance, the user who got sysop access by hacking into other people's accounts and having perverted sex acts with the sysop. Whatever your piece of gossip is, be sure to tell your audience not to say you said it. This will remind them to say you did. It's an old trick and a sneaky one, but you don't want all the gruesome stories it took you so long to dig up being circulated without credit to you. Next time: Talking about Important Subjects (yourself) MAJOR PEC... Does Your Body Good! Talking about important subjects There's more to conversation than gossip or flattery. If you're like most people, in fact, you would prefer not to indulge in gossip and flattery. You'd rather talk about yourself. The problem is getting listeners. One way to do this is to disclose all your filthy habits, immoral actions, disgusting thoughts, and perverse longings. The confessional tendency is reputed by psychiatrists to be the result of a guilt neurosis concerning excess personal liberty and the breakdown of traditional values and so on. This is not true. It's just that the only way we can get anyone to listen to us when we talk about ourselves is by turning that talk into gossip of the most horrible kind possible. Another way to get people to listen to you is by keeping them involved in the conversation. Intersperse your comments about yourself with questions about them. Tell them how successful and clever you are, and then ask them who they sleep with and how much money they make. People so love attention that they might even tell you. This brings us to a more drastic method of getting an audience: be one yourself. Listen patiently while other people tell you about themselves. Maybe they'll return the favor. This is risky, however. By the time they get done talking about themselves you may be dead from old age. Another danger is that if you listen long enough you may start attending to what's being said. You may start thinking about other people, even sympathizing with them. You may develop a ture empathy for others, and this will turn you into such a human oddity that you will become a social outcast. Next Time: Refining your conversational abilites; Strong Language and Accent MAJOR PEC... Does Your Body Good! Refining your Conversational Abilities *Strong Language Flattery, gossip, and self-advertisement constitute the greater part of modern conversation. Most of the rest is made up of obscene, predjudicial, or extremely blunt language. Obscenity enlivens bland statements. No one is going to be interested if you say, "Many young women would like to be doctors." Say, instead, "Many young women would like to be FUCKING doctors." Bluntness, especially when combined with obscenity or predjudice, can be very handy in arguements. If you say that the U.S. shouldn't have vetoed a UN resolution condemning Israel, and somone else says the U.S. was right to veto the resolution, the result is a social mess. In the first place, it's rude to argue politics in public. And, in the second place, what you're saying has nothing do to with anyone personally, so no one cares. Use strong language to take the politics out of your arguement and make it personal again by saying to whomever disagrees with your position, "Fuck you." *Accent Although people are not usually listening to what you say, they may be paying attention to how you say it, trying to figure out from your accent whether you're wealthy enough to bother with it. It would be rude, a waste of time, to let them think you aren't. Most American regional accents are not very rich sounding. A midwestern nasal twang gives listeners the impression that you have lawn ornaments in your front yard. The slurs and ellipses of California speech strike the hearer as the first three danger signs of drug abuse in teen-agers. And a New York accent sounds like someone buggering a goose with an automobile horn. Only a Texas accent is safe. This is because Texans are all thought to have MONEY. You can acquire a Texas Accent by any of the usual means of getting brain damage. Next time: How to Talk when You're On Drugs How To Talk when You're on Drugs When you're on drugs, talking is easier. That's because your brain starts moving faster than your mouth. Especially when on cocaine. People on cocaine say things like this: "...one of the things you're really getting onto is cable TV which is going to be like the rock and roll of the nineties because everybody's going to be hardwired into 240 channels and there's this huge market for software already which is why you've got this programming development deal together that like right now is a class at the New School but is almost sold to Home Box and is going to be an hour a day that's part news but like part entertainment too like this Rap group that you've already done three minutes on with minicam on quarter-inch but you might turn that into a documentary plus maybe a docudrama for PBS because it's this sound that's sort of hip-hop but sort of western swing which is all in this interview you got with the lead singer's manager/girlfriend that you're going to publish in this magazine you're starting which will be all complete cable listings for all of New Jersey with the public access stuff that isn't listed anywhere plus like interviews too and..." Finally, a cardinal rule of talking is that there's no reason not to carry on a cheerful and engaging conversation just because you're alone in the room. Next time: Men, Women, and Other People part 1: Advice for Modern Woman. Keep modern man quiet. Do not induce vomiting. Call a physician. MAJOR PEC... Does Your Body Good! Restaurnat Manners The table manners you have in a restaurant are very different from those you have in the home of a friend because in a restaurant you're allowed to play with your food. If you eat enough expensive meals and drink enough expensive liquor, you're allowed to do anything. But in the home of a friend no matter how much you eat and drink it won't excuse you for 'restoring' a Renoir with potatoes au gratin. Playing with Food Playing with food is the main reason dining in restaurants has become so popular. Playing with food is a psychologically powerful way of attracting attention to yourself. And restaurants are better places to attract attention than friend's homes, anyway. You usually know who's going to be at a friend's house. But practically anybody could be at a restaurant. If you attract enough attention in a restaurant, maybe a rich, beautiful person will give you money and sex. The secret to successful sports with foodstuffs is correct attitude. Playing with food has to be fast, loud, and enthusiastic. You must make your high spirits contagious before anyone has time for second thoughts. Second thoughts always consist of calling the police. But if your attitude and timing are right, you can put a lettuce-leaf mane around the neck of your girlfriend, hold her at bay with your chair, command her to leap up on the table and rear up on her hind legs, and everyone will think it's great fun. Here are some other things you can do: * Use steamed mussles as castanets, slip sugar bowls over the toes of your shoes, and do a flamenco dance on your chair. * If everyone is having beef dishes, run around the talbe and try to put the cow back together. * Use any whole roast bird as a hand puppet. You can acheive remarkably realistic effects by slipping your fingers into the wing sockets. Point out that the bird has lost its head, so it has no sense at all, which is why it's flying around the table squeezing people's noses * Hand a grilled brook trout on the wall like a trophy, or, better, stand on the table and reenact the big catch with an umbrella and a shoelace. * Use a raw oyster to show someone what a French kiss would be like if she had married a reptile. * Here's a stunt with one of those stainless-steel hinged-top coffee creamers. Using your thumb to move the creamer lid, get 'Carl the Creamer' to talk. "I'm hungry," he says. Then you feed Carl all sorts of things; Sugar packets, bits of squashed up food, cigarette butts, and so on. But Carl always eats too much. "I feel sick," he says. Then Carl throws up on someone at the table whom no one can stand. Next time: Acting Up Major Pec... does your body good! Party Games Most real parties are too chaotic to sustain any party games. But every now and then you'll find yourself with a group of people who are in the mood for this kind of entertainment. * Indoor-Outdoor Sports It's always amusing to play any outdoor sport indoors. Bicycle races, for instance, or motocross events if your halls and stairways are wide enough. Out door sports played indoors are properly played with appropriate indoor equipment. 'Dog Soccer' is fun; so is 'Ashtray Tennis' and 'Touch Footstool'. Playing golf indoor with eggs and umbrellas is invariably delightful, as is duck hunting with real guns, if you can get someone to dress up as the duck. * Strip Russian Roulette A single bullet is put into a revolver. Each player spins the cylinder and pulls the trigger. Anyone who doesn't kill himself or herself has to take off a piece of clothing. Strip Russian roulette's combination of sex and death makesfor a highly phychological game. * Pin the Bill on the Restaurant This is played when a real party is heldin a tavern or other commercial establishment. The bar owner is blindfolded, spun around three times, and while he's trying to figure out what's going on, everyone runs out the door. * Jump Dick Played with a penis instead of a rope. * Kick the Husband This is usually played after the party. Next time: Party Drinks MAJOR PEC... Does Your Body Good! Advice for Modern Men Society is now influenced, shaped, and even to a large extent controlled my women. This is a far cry from the world of our childhood, when society was controlled by...well, as I recall, society was controlled by Mom. Christmas dinner for all the relatives, square dancing, the PTA, split-level ranch houses with 2 1/2 baths... surely no MAN thought these up. Feminism seems to be a case of women having won a leg-wrestling match with their own other leg. There is only one thing for men to do in response to this confusing situaton, which is the same thing men have always done, which is anything women want. What do Women Want? But what DO women want? Perhaps we cah shed some light on the question by examining feminist objections to traditional female social roles. Feminists belive 'unliberated' women are not in control of their own lives, that they are not given adequate opportunities to realize their own potential. They feel women are overburdened with domestic responsibilities, underpaid for professional work, and exploited in every way. Of course, the average man can make the same complaints, but the cases are not comparable. Those conditions make the average man want a drink. They make the average woman want a law degree, a convertible, children, a Rolex watch, a seat on the stock exchange, two Valium, a lovely home, a pretty bracelet, the Nobel Prize, and a husband. Next time: Four rules for modern men trying to give women they want. MAJOR PEC... Does Your Body Good! Softball There is nothing to say about softball as a sport. No one has ever paid enough attention to it while either watching or playing to be able to remember anything about it. Volleyball The purpose of volleyball is to get your sexual parts to flop around. It isn't really much good unless played in the nude. The rule, cited for running, about women with breasts larger than their heads, may be suspended for volleyball. Women with huge breasts should not run because running women make terrible faces and the combination of scary facial expressions and immense jiggling breasts is liable to cause confusion in preadolescent boys. Volleyball players, however, ususally look like they're having a wonderful time and so may jiggle as much as they want without adverse psychological effects on the audience. In fact, if you're going to play volleyball, you'd better make sure your sexual parts are large enough to flop around in an impressive way. An exception might be made for large, floppy asses. People with large, floppy asses really shouldn't participate an any sports. They especially shouldn't ride bicycles, because it makes people laugh so hard they lose control of their automobiles. Next time: Sports with animals in them Major Pec: Does your body good! Babies and Other Diseases Having children is impolite. It imposes on the peace and quiet of others and leaves you with less time for that key component of courtesy, being nice to yourself. But rude things d happen. In fact, they're happening at a horrific rate because the generation that 'refused to grow up' has finally spawned, resulting in Baby Boom ][--The Terror Continues. Suddenly there are millions of children all over the place, all of them named Jason and Rachel. Where Children Come From Children are caused by having sex. Because of the media attention paid to child-napping, artificial insemination, surrogate motherhood, in vitro fertilization, and illegal adoption, it can be easy to forget this. But normal sex (consult your doctor) can result in pregnancy. Astonishingly enough, this is often intentional. Why Have Children? Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs. Of course, nature wants every creature to produce more living things so all of us, not just guppies, will have something to eat. But almost no on eats babies anymore. Thus there must be reasons other than natural ones for the urge to breed. Men have children to prove that they aren't impotent, or at least the some of thier friends aren't. And women have children because no modern woman should reach the age of forty-five without an excuse for failing in her career. This last reason for having children is the entire cause of the current fertilization craze. Abortions (yikes!) Very busy parents should consider this option. Aborted children are inexpinsive and reire less quality time. And abortions are practically worry- free since there are any number of very fervent right-to-life organizations available to worry about them for you. Next time: Pregnancy and Infant Care MAJOR PEC... Does Your Body Good! Meeting People The first consideration in dating is whom to date. "Pick-ups"--social engagements with total strangers, often initated in bars--have gone completely out of style. Partly this is a result of AIDS, although it's a well-known fact that extra-attractive strangers (especially cute girls) never have this disease. Another, more important reason for teh demise of the "pick-up" is that there are only five types of people, and sadly, we've met them all. The five types of people are: * People whom you like more than they like you. * People who like you more than you like them. * Rich fools * Poor fools * People just like your parents. None of these is the type of person you're looking for. The fashionable person to date nowadays is someone you've know for years and somehow neglected to sleep with during the promiscuity hysteria. You'll have a lot in common with this person. On thing you'll have in common is trying to figure out if maybe you DID sleep together and both forgot it. Then you can talk about all the people you've both slept with and whether any of them are losing a lot of weight or are dead. And when you've exhaused those two subjects, you can screw. (But never on the first date. Another well-known fact is that AIDS is only transmitted on first dates. You can't get AIDS from sex you had to wait for.) Making a Date Dates used to be made days or even weeks in advance. Now dates tend to be made the day after. That is, you get a phone call from someone who says, 'If anyone asks, I was out with you last night, ok?' Some dates are still make in advance, of course. But it is now no longer necessarily the man who does the asking. It is now considered proper for a woman to ask a man out on a date. It is not, considered proper for the man to refuse because he has to wash his hair. Not unless his blow dryer is REALLY broken. Dates are still cancelled the same way they always have been, which is at the last possible minute. But it happens more often than it used to. Our society has become increasingly affluent. Therefore the chances of someone better than you coming along has increased. Next time: Dating Behavior and Where to go on a Date MAJOR PEC... Does Your Body Good! Ok, this is where it gets dirty! I love it! Advice for Modern Women The social role of women has undergone a radical change in recent years. This is the result of feminism, and feminism is the result of a few ignorant and literal-minded women letting the cat out of the bag about which is the superior sex. Once women made it public that they could do things better than men, they were, of course, forced to do them. Now women have to be elected to political office, get jobs as presidents of major corporations, and so on, instead of ruling the earth by batting their eyelashes they way they used to. If the mothers of Kate Millet and Susan B. Anthony had only taken more time to expain things to thier daughters, it would have saved a lot of time for more able and intelligent women like Maragret Thatcher. Forcing Men to Surrender Open competition between the sexes presents considerable dangers to our society. Outnumbered and possessed of inferior capabilites, men are on the defensive. This may turn them desparate and viscious. It will be in everyone's best interests if women get men to surrender as quickly as possible. Women can weaken the opposition by encouraging men to get in touch with thier feelings. One of the few advantages men ever had over women was thier emotional detachment. In the past, most men were emotionally cold and incapable of showing affection. Many of our fathers could come home from work to a nagging and slovenly wife and a house full of screaming brats and show no affection at all. Of course, this has changed. For one thing, our parents are divorced. But, also, modern men are already much more in touch with their emotions than they used to be. They can cry--like our fathers did when they saw the court-ordered property settlement. Do what you can to promote this trend, ladies. Make it clear to the men in your life that, not only is crying permissible, it's required if their feelings are to be given any credibility. These days it's perfectly proper for a woman to sleep with a man before marrying him or before even knowing his last name (as long as she's sure he's not a gay drug addict). But a woman who sleeps with a man before seeing his eyes mist over with need and desire is coming close to impropriety. Crying on demand may be too much for some men. If so, remind them that they are also expected to get erections on demand. That can make any man cry. Next time: Woman's duty to preserve mankind (really!) MAJOR PEC... Does Your Body Good! Actually, people do pay attention every now and then if what's being said is intensely personal. Therefore people will always listen to flattery and gossip. Flattery: The beauty of flattery is that it's so easy. Say anything favorable that pops into your head. Flattery is like money. It does not need to have any intrinsic worth, and neither its source nor the intended object of its use deprives it of any charm in people's eyes. You cannot go to far with flattery, if you want to be polite. Tell people they're brilliant, beautiful, important, accomplished, and good. This is known as lying. It's very old-fashioned but still practiced by those who are not smart enough to know whether they are telling the truth or not. A much more modern apporoach than lying, and one that requires less thought and energy, is to develop a lack of personal sense of judgement so thorough that you really BELIEVE people you're talking to are brilliant, beautiful, important, accomplished, and good. This state can be acheived by paying no attention to anyone or anything while going fifteen or twenty years without shutting up. Next time: Gossip: What you say about the objects of flattery when they're not present. MAJOR PEC... Does Your Body Good! Sexual variations used to be considered impolite for fear that servants might walk in during them. It was thought that if the lower classes discovered the more exotic forms of sexual couplings, nothing would ever get done around the house. Which is exactly what happened. Nothing gets done around the house or anywhere else these days because the lower classes are all out dressing up in garter belts and watching mud-wrestling. Unusual Positions There are any number of positions from which the sex act may be accomplished. Most of them are polite if your physique bears exposure at that angle, and none of them are rude with the lights off. Very modern people don'g consider unusual physical positions exciting. They prefer unusual social positions instead. Oral Sex Oral sex is currently very trendy. It is even preferred to the regular kind. It is preferred because it is the only way most of us can get our sex partners to shut up. A few rules of common courtesy should be observed during oral sex. Never do anything to your partner with your teeth that you wouldn't do to an expensive waterproof wristwatch. And, once you've had a good look around down there, be sure to pay your partner a compliment of some kind. Restrict qualitiative compliments to MEN, however. "You sure have a big ass" is not considered flattering my most women. Mild Bondage The uncertain and frenetic nature of modern life has let to the incresing popularity of mild bondage. When you're tied to the bed, at least you know where you'll be for the next few minutes. And dominant partners enjoy the sense of having control over a situation, something they never get in real life. The dominant partner should show courtesy, however, and not abuse that position of control. It would be rude to get your sexual satisfaction by tying someone to the bed and then leaving him or her there and going out with someone more attractive. More Extreme Forms of Bondage More extreme forms of bondage involve homes in the suburbs, station wagons, household food budgets, and Little League coaching activities and are to alarming and repulsive to discuss, even for me. Next time: Masochism, Cross Dressing, Sex Toys, etc. MAJOR PEC... Does Your Body Good! I'm not responsible for what you are thinking... Masochism Masochists are people who have pain confused with pleasure. In a society which has television confused with entertainment, Doritos confused with food, and Dan Quayle confused with a national political leader, masochists are clearly less mixed up than the rest of us. Because they are admired for their relative good sense, masochists should be careful to mind their manners. They should be especially kind to sadists, remembering that sadists are to be pitited because they find violence only sexually rewarding instead of financially rewarding the way movie producers and owners of football teams do. Cross Dressing Modern people often feel the need to take on sexual roles other than their own. This probably stems from a not unfounded idea about our personal lives that nothing could be worse than the way things are already. The most common type of cross dressing is practiced by homosexual men who have adopted the blue-jeans, work-shirt, and construction-boot dress of heterosexual men. This has led to some unpleasantness between gay men and striaght women. THe women feel that it was they, not gays, who fought the battle for sexual equality and therefore it's a woman;s perogative to wear bleu jeans, work shirts, and construction boots. Some heterosexual men occasionally don pantyhose and a bra in the privacy of the bedroom, but, in general, staight men have keept a lower profile about their urge to cross-dress. Mostly they've limited themselves to puttering around the house in bathrobes and using lots of Chap Stick when they go skiing. The only really firm rule fo taste about cross dressing is that neither sex should ever ewar anything they haven't yet figured out how to to go the batthroom in. Sex Toys There are a number of sexual devices which are knwon to increase sexual arousal, partiularly in women. Chief among these is the Porche 911 Cabriolet. Next time: Homosexuality and Rape MAJOR PEC... Does Your Body Good! Homosexuality It is the height of fashion to think, dress, and act like a homosexual. But, suddenly, it has become unfasionable to BE one. AIDS is partially to blame. There's also the immense fatigue everyone is feeling with equality. Blacks, Hispanics, Asians, cripples, women, and guests on 'The Oprah Winfrey Show' are all demanding to be treated as equals. Homosexuals are just one more voice of complaint in an already too querulous world. But since homos are often wealthy and famous, treating them as equals is not only difficult but can actually be construed as rudeness. The whole thing is a social mess... Rape Rape is extremely rude. Rape is a complete and total violation of the privacy of an idividual. Despite the fact that complete and total violation of the privacy of individuals is one of our society's most popular and fashionable pasttimes, rape is still considered rude. This is because if the rapist had pursued the more accepted forms of privacy invasion, he would know all the intimate details of his intended victim's life. When you find out that much about someone these days, you don't even want to shake their hands, much less chase them down the street. Next time: REAL PARITES! MAJOR PEC... Does Your Body Good! Real Parties A real party differs from other social events in two ways: . As much as anyone can remember, it was more fun. 2. No one can remember very much. Real parties are given for pleasure only and never to mark an occasion. There can be no more reason for giving a real party than there can be an excuse for what goes on after it starts. Real parties vary tremendously in type and style, but all share certain things in common. * Real parties don't start until after midnight. * No friendships or romantic relationships should survive a real party intact. * Neither should much furniture. * Someone should have underpants on his head by two A.M. * By three A.M. someone should have called the police. * Someone should have called George Bush long distance to invite him over. * By five A.M. everyone should have gotten in cars and tried to go somewhere else and all backed into each other instead. * It's not a real party if it doesn't end in an orgy or a food fight. * All your friends should be still be there when you come to in the morning. Most parties are not real parties. And some parties can never BE real parties no matter how much the partygoers try. Among these are: * Office Christmas parties * Book-publishing parties * Parties with themes, such as 'Las Vegas Nite' or 'Waikiki Whoopee.' * Parties at the homes of people who don't smoke, have subscriptions to Smithsonian, own China figurine collecions, or were ever in the Peace Corps. * Parties at which more than six of the guests are related by blood. * The Republican Party. Next time: More Party Manners MAJOR PEC... Does Your Body Good! The Popular New 'Lite' Sports Winning is such an important part of sports that it's often considered rude not to. As a result, a number of modern sports have been developed in which everyone wins or, at least, no one doesn't. These are called "lite" sports because they contain smaller amounts of potential embarrassement. Such sports are particularly popular with the middle classes, who are not used to large amounts of leisure time and are just learning how to goof off. * Video Games The most popular of the new sports if video-game playing. Video games represent something of a courtesy landmark because they make it socially acceptable, in a sporting context, to eat Twinkies, never go outdoors, have a terrible complexion, and be able to operate a computer. Video games are also delightful because there is something about a television that fights back which is so perfectly appropriate to our society. * Running After video games, the second most popular new sport is running. This is not running in the traditional track-and-field sense or because somebody is chasing you, but an entirely new sport which consists of running from nothing to nowhere. It's truly impossible to lose at this. But an even more gentle thing about running is the polite converstion that results. Nothing is more suitable to the well-mannered intellect than a discussion among a group or runners: "Well, I ran today." "Me, too." "I ran yesterday--three miles." "I ran four miles today." "I ran four miles yesterday but tomorrow I'm going to run five." "I think I'll run four miles again tomorrow, but I might run five miles myself." And so on. Like the conversation it inspires, the rules of running are simple. 1. Don't run in street clothes or while carrying bags or packages--it makes you look as though you just robbed a store. 2. Women with breasts larger than their head should use a Nautilus machine instead. 3. If you run more than twenty miles a week, try not to die young. It will make people snicker. * Frisbee A final sport, Frisbee, is not only impossible to lose at but is also remarkably polite because it's so hard to break things with a Frisbee. Just say 'excuse me' to everyone you hit. The Frisbee is closely related to the Wiffle ball in its noncompetitive, nondestructive qualities and may be seen as a step toward fulfilling the ultimate promise of the modern world--the creation of a "Wiffle life" in which nothing serious ever happens. Next time: Golf MAJOR PEC... Does Your Body Good! Golf New sports have won many adherents, but traditional sports continue to be popular because it's hard to get Frisbee players to make bets and their dogs usually don't carry cash. The other new sports are also difficult to gamble on. It seems cruel to see who looks most like death warmed over after running for twenty minutes. And, as for video games, no grown man likes to lose a showbox full of quarters to a ten-year-old. Many traditional sports have other virtues besides betting opportunities. Golf, for instance, combines two favorite American pasttimes: taking long walks and hitting things with a stick. Try to tailor your golfing behavior to the low-key, low-pressure spirit of these antecedents. Calm the nerves of fellow players by talking to them cheerfully while they tee off or attempt a difficult putt. Help the groundskeeper do his job by making sure that the grass roots are well aerated with divots. Give the caddy a chance to catch up his exercises by trotting along side the golf cart with your bag on his shoulder. And don't hit things you aren't supposed to. An important aspect of golf is knowing what to hit. Things You are Allowed to Hit in Golf * Golf balls * Golf balls with your shoe accidentally because the golf ball's lie was so bad that you couldn't see it and kicked it out onto the fairway by accident. * Trees, fence posts, and marker flags after you miss a shot. * The bottle * Yourself in the head Things You Are NOT Allowed to Hit in Golf * People in the foursome ahead of you, if one of them is likely to blackball any of your business clients at the club. * Your boss * The caddy, if he's anybody's son. Next time: More sports, like skiing and other racket sports MAJOR PEC... Does Your Body Good! Party Drinks The Traditional Party Bar Long-establshed custom decrees that the well-stocked bar for a real party should be made up of the following: * 2 six-packs of Miller Lite * 1 warm keg of extremely foamy Stroh's * 150 half-gallon bottles of screw-top jug wine * 40 bottles of gin * 60 bottles of vodka * 1 bottle of tonic * 3 ice cubes * a lime Tradition may be broken if any of the drinks mentioned below are to be served: * Dieter's Delight Mix equal parts of oil and vinegar with two ounces of vodka and garnish with a leaf of Romaine lettuce. * Champagne Urbana Domestic champagne (like J. Roget) served in a University of Illinois varsity sweater. Soak sweater in a punch bowl and wring sleeves into guest's mouths. Good for tailgate parties. * Dinner Mint Julep Urban variation of the old Southern standby. Use a small glass to crush up two chololate-covered dinner mints in a splash of soda water. Add three ounces of bourbon, strain, and pour into Collins glasses. Freshens the breath. Tic Tacs may be substituted. * Chicken Shot Like a bullshot but mix chicken noodle soup instead of beef boullion with the vodka. Your Jewish friends will particuarly enjoy this drink. * Clarabell Cocktail Fill one guest with Scotch, then squirt him in the face with a selzer bottle. A nostalgia drink. * Cold Buttered Rum A hot weather drink. But rum, cinnamon, and cloves in a 12-ounce glass, add cider, then use hotel butter pats instead of ice cubes. * Hamnog Combine three ounces of brandy with a tablespoon of sugar, one cup of milk, and a half cup of crushed ice, then add sliced deli ham instead of an egg. Cloves, rather than nutmeg, may be grated over the top. * Liquor Daiquiri Women expect anything in their daiquiris except booze. Put some booze in there. * Rum Gumbo Surprize A bowl full of sliced okra and rum with live shrimp swimming in it. * Whiskey Sweet and Sour Pour three ounces of whiskey in a tall glass, and stir in Chinese food to taste. * Zen Martini A martini with no vermouth at all. And no gin, either. * Sucker Punch, Singapore Ass in a Sling, Attica Sunrise, Jungle Juice There are names ofr Gatorade and grain alcohol. Mix half and half. * Serving Drinks with a Garden Hose The trick is to use one of those garden sprayer attatchments made to be used with pesticide. * Turning Your Car Trunk into a Punch Bowl What a good idea. Why don't you try it? * How to Keep Cocktail Onions out of the Filtration System When Making a Martini the Size of a Swimming Pool Use regular full-size onions instead. Next time: Party food! MAJOR PEC... Does Your Body Good! Accidental Real Trouble Never get into trouble my mistake. Plane crashes, car wrecks, and accidents while cleaning guns are all to impromptu for even the casual social life of today. People will tell each other, "When something happens like that there's just nothing you can say..." How true. And how boring. If you're going to have a surprise mishap, try to be beaten to death by teenagers in the restroom of a public park that's known to as a hangout for homosexuals (like Oak). This will give everyone lots to say, especially your wife/girlfriend and children. The value of planning cannot be overestimated. If you are going to get into real trouble, you should start laying the groundwork early in life by being quiet, shy, a striaght-A student, and a dutiful child to your parents. It gives no end of pleasure to everyone when a person like that throws a flaming bucket of gasoline into the Senate from the visitor's gallery. Next time: The Consequences of Real Trouble. MAJOR PEC... Does Your Body Good! Horseback Riding The term 'horseback riding' covers a wide variety of athletic activities. All types of horseback riding should be done on a horse. Doing them on a naked girl in a motel room is a different sport entirely, even if she lets you use spurs. Hunting and Fishing Hunting and fishing are the ways polite society gets the murder out of its system. If your bloodlust is not being fully satisfied in these sports, perhaps you should go a step further and pluck birds and gut deer BEFORE you kill them. A polite hunter, however, is not deaf to the pleas of animal lovers. Unless you are completely overcome by the desire to kill and maim, you should do everything you can to make hunting more comfortable for the animals. Shoot ducks on the water and pheasant on the ground so they will not have a long painful fall after they are hit. Use shelled corn and salt licks to allow deer a last meal before their demise. And shoot them right there where the bait is so that they won't have to walk a long way on a full stomach. And be sure to drink before hunting to give the animals a sporting chance to see some humans killed. But when you're fishing, these niceties of ettiquitte may be abandoned. Fish are not smart enough to care about courtesy or sportsmanship, not even trout. Go ahead and kill them with hand grenades if you get tired of screwing around with flies. Next time: Gambling Major Pec... Does Your Body Good! Pregnancy A pregant woman is expected to act joyful and, indeed, she may be quite happy if she has bulimia and enjoys throwing up. Pregnant women should be given special treatment, especially by politicans attempting to garner voets by emphasizing bogus 'family values' to a generation of Americans who hated their families and everything to do with them. Pregnant women should be given free prenatal care, free day care, 10,000-day paid maternity leave, Medicare, Medicaid, and daily home visits by the Surgeon General of the United States. To combat sexism, pregnant men should be given the same privelages. The rest of the taxpayers can go get screwed--without getting pregnant. Infant Care Correct infant care is vital producing 'Super Babies'. Super Babies are similar to regualar babies except that they belong to you. Never use commercially prepared baby food, as they are rumored to cause cancer. Instead, feed your child the same grotesque and faddish food the you eat: soy cakes, kelp, alcohol-free beer, 12 pounds of oat bran a day--whatever dietary foolishness is current in your house. The force the rest of your irrational activities on your child. It doesn't matter when the kid begins to walk as long as he works out regularly at the gym and communicates openly with his child psychiatrist as soon as possible. An infant should be weaned from the breast as soon as the mother has had a chance to discomfit her boss, mother-in-law, and husband's friends by breast-feeding in public. MAJOR PEC... Does Your Body Good! Next time: Toilet Training and other forms of Discipline Toilet Training Modern parents believe toilet training should be an easy and casual affair. Just let the child shit all over everything. This prepares him for a brilliant career as a talk show host. Discipline It used to be thought that children should act like 'little adults'. Like many things that used to be thought, this is true. In fact, now more than ever. Today's real adults are self-involved, impulsive, inarticulate, and spand as much time as possible out playing. THey can't sit still, don't like to get dressed up, and hate every kind of activity that requires self-restraint. Adults are the children of today, and therefore children have to be adults because there is only so much room in the world for kids. One way to discipline a child is by having a tantrum. Cry, scream, or hold your breath until the child behaves. When dealing with immature behavior like nose picking, genital fondling, or public belching, try to be discreet so your child won't make fun of you when you do it. You can also reason with even the smallest child. Tell a baby, "When you cry in the middle of the night and have to be fed and walked and burped, it, like, you know, violates my space." This is useless but instructive. It teaches both you and the child an important lesson in the powers of logic. Do not be dismayed if your child seems to want more affection than ignoring him provides. Children like a lot of affection, but they also like a lot of candy, which goes to show that children have no idea what's good for them. Explain to the child that it would be rude, a form of lying, really, to show too much affection to somebody you're not going to sleep with. Next time: Imparting Values to the Child MAJOR PEC... Does Your Body Good! When should a man get an erection? Whenever it becomes clear that a date is moving to its natural conclusion, it is then polite for a man to begin having an erection. There is no better compliment that a man can pay. To be courteous, however, a man refrains from getting an erection until the kisses have passed from the closed mouth 'buss on the lips' to the open mouthed 'French style.' A man gets a slight or salutory erection when he strokes the breasts or buttocks of his date. He should get a full erection whenever his date purposely touches his genitals. If there is dance floor at the restaurant, a well-bred man gets an erection during close dancing, but not during fast or 'disco' dancing when his erection would stick out and spoil the lines of his suit. Erections are perfectly proper when seated at the table, but a man should lose his immediately when he gets up to go the the bathroom. Otherwise it will look as though he has someone waiting in there. An erection in the car or taxicab after dinner is considered very good manners. And a polite man always gets an erection during sex. Dating Pitfalls The one serious dating pitfall is the possibility that your date will become infatuated for you. If you fear that your date is becoming infatuated with you, what you should do is fart, as loudly as you can, right in front of her (or him.) This may seem a coarse thing to do, but it is almost impossible for someone to retain an idealized, dreamy image of you when you've just blown the slipcovers off the furniture and killed all the pets. Next time: More sex: If you must... "Neither shalt thou lie with any beast to defile thyself therewith; neither shall any woman stand before a beast to lie down thereto: it is confusion." -- Leviticus 18:23 MAJOR PEC... Does Your Body Good! Dating Behavior When a modern couple are out on a date, the key to behavior is equality. If you are a man taking a woman out, you should not cut up her food for her, tie her shoes, put her on your shoulders to watch a parade, or perform any of the other services you would provide to a child or a trained chimpanzee. You may, though, hold a door open, light a cigarette, or assist a woman with her coat. In other words, you may extend various courtesies to a woman but only those you would extend to another man. Whether you should fondle her knee or run your hand up her skirt is another question. Health concerns being what they are these days, I really don't know what you would do with a male friend in a skirt under similar circumstances. For reasons discussed earlier, men generally pay for all expenses on a date. (Exceptions are made if the woman is uncommonly rich or ugly.) Either sex, however, may bring a little gift, its value to be determined by the bizarreness of the sexual request to be made later in the relationship. Telling the difference between accepting these gifts and performing an act of prosititution is easy, as there is no difference. Where to Go on a Date Sex without any social relationship preceding it is tantamount to treating people like objects. People shouldn't be treated like objects. They aren't that valuable. So you have to go someplace before you screw. And that place is usually dinner. Having dinner before sex gives you a chance to reconsider and masturbate after all. A lot of people are better imagined in bed then found there in the morning. Next time: When Should a Man get an Erection? MAJOR PEC... Does Your Body Good! The Consequences of Real Trouble * Trials If you're not killed immediately when you get into real trouble, you'll have to stand trial. Think of the jury as your friends. That way you'll be prepared when they fuck you over. Society holds trials for the same reason that Shakespeare had comic relief in Macbeth. So try to make everyone laugh. Pleading innocent is usually the best way to do this. And finally, always dress for a trial in a manner that shows you to be a c courteous and sophisticated person. You don't want people in the court to think you ran your parents through a laundry mangler (whatever that is) out of ingnorance and stupidity. * Prison If the jury feels they've really come to know and understand you, you'll have to spend some time in prison. Being in prison is just like being a guest at a cocktail party except you're sexually ravaged withOUT hints over cocktails first. Be sure to tip the help. If you tip them to what some of the other guests are up to, you may get an early parole. Or a sharpened spoon-handle between the ribs. Either way your stay will be shorter. * Death Sentence If you live in a state with capital punishment, try to think of something piquant to say on your way to the gas chamber. "See you in hell, Mom," is nice. Things like "I regret that I only have one life to give for my country" and "Don't stop to mourn, organize!" sound too stiff for what's basically an informal occasion. Next time: The Leisure Effort: Sports Manners! MAJOR PEC... Does Your Body Good! * Murder/Suicide More thrillng than the simple suicide is the suicide where a bunch of people are killed first. Try to pick people that you know. There's something vulgar about killing strangers. This is why polite people were careful to avoid the draft during the war in Vietnam. The rules for killing people are similar to the rules for having houseguests except, instead of doing everything you can to make your guests comfortable, you should try to do everything you can to make them dead. Only a very rude host would serve himself first. By the same token, only a very rude murderer/suicide would kill himself first. Try to kill people quickly. It's just as inconsiderate to torture people to death as it is to torture them with a long, boring story about your phychiatric problems. * Killing Strangers With the use of tact and consideration, killing srangers can be made less vulgar, even socially acceptable. For instance, when sniping from the top of a building, tryo to pick people that look as if they're having a bad day anyhow. And never commit only one murder. You wouldn't serve a meal with only one course. Frankly, it's COMMON. Remember to think visually. If you commit your murders at all well, there'll be a movie made about them. Out of consideration for the producer, you want that movie to be a hit. Do your killing someplace with interesting scenery and pick victims with colorful personalities or who resemble famous actors. It also helps to give yourself a nickname that can be used as the movie title. "The Earmuff Murderer," "The Six-Inch Naval Gun Killer," "The Silly Strangler," and "The Sock-in-the-Mouth Suffocator" are several possibilities. Next time: Bombs, Hostage Taking, and Sexual Assault. Major Pec... does your body good! Conversation Talk gives form and substance to various emotions, room and air to hidden anxieties. It exalts the ego, perfects the self-image, and puts your mark on the environment. When you go around at a party talking to everyperson in turn, you're like a cat pissing in each corner of a new apartment. In the present philosophical haze, talk is used sort of like a foghorn for the ship of the mind. It announces your ever-shifting position on things int hope that you will avoid having your hull puncutred by such metaphysical iceberts as religion, channeling, or support for the Sandanistas. The fact that foghorns are useless for avoiding icebergs only improves the metaphor. Talking is helpful to those with severe problems. There is a belief current that if you have severe problem and you talk about it, this makes everything all right. If you climb up on top of a building and shoot a lot of people with a high-powered rifle, you have a severe problem. If you refuse to talk about this problem, if you claim that it was your brother or someone who looked like you and you were really at the movies when all of this happened or maybe you were watching TV because you don't remember for sure, your problem will only get worse. You'll be convicted of murder. But if you proudly talk about all the people you shot and how they wriggled like shiners on a fishhook and how you laughed when they died, you'll be aquitted by reason of insanity. And this makes everything all right. Talking also helps fill certain voids in existence. In a world in which we are constantly assaulted by stimuli--broadcast media, piped-in music, bright lights, bold graphics, exotic scents; indeed, sights, sounds, and smells of every kind--there are still moments of quiet, repose, and calm. You can get rid of them by talking. Next time: How to Talk--The Charm of Flattery MAJOR PEC... Does Your Body Good! Skiing The sport of skiing consists of wearing thousands dollars' worth of clothes and equipment and driving two hundred miles in the snow in order to stand around at a bar and get drunk. Some people go out on the slopes, too, but this is not considered in the best of taste because it gets snow tracked into the lodge. The best skiing is always done on 'mahogany ridge.' If you do go out onto the slopes, remember that long lift lines are skiing's most common annoyance. Cut right in at the front of them and get yourself on the chair immediately so that you aren't part of the lift-line problem. Tennis Tennis has been discovered by people who are supposed to be bowling. The world is severely in relief from tennis. Do what you can by organizing games to be played on horseback. This will ruin almost any all-weather court and eliminate further tennis playing. Or you can insist on playing some polite variation, like armchair tennis. Armchair tennis is played by two opponents seated on either side of the court in comfortable armchairs, Each player has a huge pitcher of drinks and a hundred cans of tennis balls. Neither is permitted to rise from his seat to return a ball. The first player who has to go to the bathroom loses. Other Raquet Sports Squash, racquetball, paddleball, and other indoor modifications of tennis are to tennis itself what secret homosexuality is to the gay rights movement--an improvement, but no remedy. An end can be put to most of these games by firing a golf ball into the court enclosures with a powerful slingshot. As for handball--the idea of a racket sport played without rackets is too ludicrous even for discussion. Next time: Softball and Volleyball and Your Sexual Parts MAJOR PEC... Does Your Body Good! Gambling Hunting is a replacement for murder. Gambling is a replacement for inventiveness and entrepreneurship. These things are old-fashioned and don't leave enough time for social graces. Thomas Edison and Henry Ford hardly ever got the chance to kick back on the waterbed, scarf some Chinese take-out, and listen to the new U2 album. They would have had a lot cooler heads if they had made their money playing blackjack. Marathon Running, Long-Distance Swimming, Bicycle Racing, and other Painful Endurance Sports The abolition of hard work and entrepreneurship has left voids in our society, and so has the abolition of pain. Endurance sports provide people with the pain they seem to be missing from modern dentistry and health care. Of course it's also natural that in a self-actuated, self-aware society like ours we would want some kind of pain that's self-inflicted. It's like the person who commits suicide as a way of taking a stand against the death penalty. Anyway, endurance sports provide polite, fashionable pain, which is equally satisfying to sensible people because the participants in endurance sports are so stupid. Marathon runners say they run because "it makes me feel better about myself." More intelligent people do things that make OTHERS feel better about THEM. What's the difference how you feel about yourself? You're probably not in a position to give yourself a raise. Dangerous Sports The only polite thing to do when engaged in sky diving, hang gliding, ice climbing, or any other dangerous sport is to die. That's what everyone is waiting around for. Next time: Silly Sports MAJOR PEC... Does Your Body Good! Sports Manners Many people who are normally polite turn discourteous and rude on the playing field. Etiquette should have a guiding role in all aspects of life. Good manners shouldn't be reserved only for social occasions such as making a living. Good manners also have a place in the serious business life, which is fooling around. The most important part of sports is winning. Therefore it is imperative for a courteous sportsman to be a good winner. A good winner always praises the efforts of his opponent. He says something like, "I'm sure you would have beaten me, Frank, if you weren't so fat." And a good winner is an honest winner. He says, "You'll notice, Frank, that I still beat you even though you lied about the ball being out of bounds." And a good winner never takes advantage of a lesser opponent: "Let's make it double or nothing this time, Frank--that way you'll have a chance to get your money back." Next time: 'Lite' Sports MAJOR PEC... Does Your Body Good!