============================================================================ ********* *** *** ****** ********* *** *** *** * *** *** *** *** ** *** ********* ******* *** *** *** *** ** *** *** *** *** ** *** he *** *** umus *** ** eport THE Electronic Fun Zone dedicated to fertilizing Mother Earth in the finest possible tradition. Serving Mother since the 1950s. Issue 012, Vol III #02 February 1990 copyright (c) 1990 caren park chief bottle washer, owner, publisher, editor, other stuff all rights reserved, and all that legal rigamarole ============================================================================ Weather Words::: Have you ever noticed how many conversations start out with "How's the Weather"? If you were in Seattle recently, you would have seen Heavy Rain (which, for Seattle, is unusual), sleet, SNOW, blue skies, WIND, and a partridge in a pear tree... All in the space of several hours, and most occuring several times... Even with all the tumultous goings on outdoors, The Humus Report (applause sign just went on, with a hairy hand wildly spinning the volume dial towards 11 ["...but OUR dial goes to 11 when we need that little extra 'something'..."]) continues to be on the forefront of, well, whatever it is in the forefront of... We would like to thank a cast of twenties, legislators everywhere, and the United States Executive Branch for making it exceptionally easy to find good fertilizings... So, without further adieu, on with the show... ============================================================================ "Abandon hope, all ye who enter here..." ============================================================================ For those Robin Williams fanatics out there (and you know who you are), here is a quick fix... ..... Golf is the only game in which middle-aged, middle-class white men can dress like pimps ..... On his theory on life: Life is like a big fan, and sometimes the kaka hits it ..... Some people name their children after names in the bible. I'm going to use the TV Guide ============================================================================ Astrology Law: It's always the wrong time of the month - Rozanne Weissman - ----- One of the things I enjoy most is traveling. I LOVE to travel. One of the things I HATE about traveling is "getting there." Now, I realize I might sound just a bit contradictory, but I'm sure there are others out in the viewing audience for whom this rings a familiar bell. EVERY time I travel alone, something strange happens. For example, how often is it that I can fly from Washington DC's National Airport to Los Angeles (LAX, about 3000 miles away) in less time (several hours different) than it takes to get from LAX to Ontario Airport (40 miles +/-) on the ground by "Rapid Transit"? And I had to change planes in Minneapolis. And terminals. Carrying a computer and briefcase through metal detectors. And the plane was late taking off at EVERY landing. With that in mind, I think you'll enjoy the following. I have no idea who this young man is, but my heart goes out to him... ----- Hotel Soap Nightmare By way of preface, this story was transmitted over a travel agency computer network. I cannot vouch for its authenticity and I haven't corrected any grammatical or typographical errors. Following is our own version of a "soap" opera completely different from those you usually see. It was submitted by a London hotel and, believe it or not, is true. The hotel is a place that gives *free* soap: Dear Maid, Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way. Thank you, S Berman Dear Room 635, I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory. Kathy, Relief Maid Dear Maid, I hope you are my regular maid. Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them. S Berman Dear Mr Berman, My day off was last Wednesday so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can of further assistance. Your regular maid, Dotty Dear Mr Berman, The assistant manager, Mr Kensedder, informed me this AM that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you. Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper Dear Miss Carmen, It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 745 AM and don't get back before 530 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bathroom shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me? S Berman Dear Mr Berman, Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you, Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper Dear Mr Kensedder, My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets. S Berman Dear Mr Berman, I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience. Martin L Kensedder, Assistant Manager Dear Mrs Carmen, Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial. S Berman Dear Mr Berman, You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room. Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper Dear Mrs Carmen, Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess: .1. On shelf under medicine cabinet: 18 Camay in 4 stacks of four and 1 stack of two .2. On Kleenex dispenser: 11 Camay in 2 stacks of four and 1 stack of three .3. On bedroom dresser: 1 stack of three Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of four hotel-size bath-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of four .4. Inside medicine cabinet: 14 Camay in 3 stacks of four and 1 stack of two .5. In shower soap dish: 6 Camay, very moist .6. On northeast corner of tub: 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used .7. On northwest corner of tub: 6 Camays in 2 stacks of three Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings. S Berman ----- KITCHEN MUNCHER, 34, sixty pounds over, patiently browsing for quiet girlfriend who cooks well, or writes good Z80 code, or just feels contented with me - The Weekly Personals Column, August 13 - 19, 1986 - ============================================================================ The following is dedicated to those who enjoy getting odd things in the mail. It consists of excerpts from HIGH WEIRDNESS BY MAIL, a book by the Reverend Ivan Stang of the SubGenius Church. He reels off an impressive list of closet fanatics, weird scientists, UFO cults, Fort followers, Tesla physics enthusiasts, and a few who are sooooooooo crazy they just might have a point. I present a few examples below --- Stang lists names, addresses, phone numbers (rarely) and gives each organization a brief description. If anyone out there has any more information of this kind, or interesting stories to tell, please send them to me. Two final notes: "Bob" is the mythical being worshipped by many SubGenius members, and Stang warns against using one's own name and address when writing "as insurance against Klansmen and Moonies showing up at your door. It won't stop the Feds, though!" [Stang himself claims never to have been accosted despite many years of using his home address --- then again he also claims to have guard dogs and elaborate security systems around his home] ----- Breatharians PoBox 833 Larkspur, CA 94939 Eating is merely an acquired habit. Wiley Brooks, the guru of Breatharianism, espouses a system of physical vitality by which one may stop eating and drinking entirely, and live, lichenlike, off light and air. "Modern man is the degenerate descendant of the Breatharian, and has descended through five stages: Breathanrianism, Liquidarianism, Fruititarianism, Vegetarianism, and Carnivorism." This health cult's faith was severely shaken when Brooks was discovered to have been sneaking out at night and buying junk food at convenience stores for all these years. Presumably his followers have forgiven this serious backsliding, but it's left them on shaky ground, so don't send money until you ascertain that they're still there ----- Chick Publications PoBox 662 Chino, CA 91710 Learn to HATE for GOD. These are those tiny rectangular "Christian" comic books that grinning zombies hand you on the street --- the ones with atrocious art and an almost pre-human level of sheer, unbridled hate, manipulating the lowest human religious instincts. Not exactly a "turn the other cheek" philosophy. These have probably turned more people OFF to Jesus than any other Christian publication. If THE DEVIL has been looking for something to make Jesus look bad, this is it. Chick depicts with all-too revealing glee, the eternal suffering that awaits Jews, Catholics, unbaptized babies, people who cuss, and anyone else slightly less consumed with hate and fear than he is. These rank right down there with the craziest Nazi UFO ranting, yet to many ignorant racists these are Truth. Terrifying. $5 for sample assortment of comics, and price list. But if you pretend you're the dumbest jackass in the world, he may well identify with you and send you many freebies ----- Church of Beaver Cleaver 122 East Benson Street Decatur, Georgia 30030 Self-explanatory. Send a buck for detailed information of the Holy Trinity of "Beaver, Eddie, and Wally" ----- Creation/Evolution Box 146, Amherst Branch Buffalo, New York 14226-0146 A newsletter monitoring the Creationists' relentless efforts to supplement textbooks with superstition. Also spotlights everything that's unforgivably ludicrous in Creation Science, and clarifies common misinterpretations of evolution. Creationists call modern science guesswork. Yes; that's why it's science and not divine revelation. Real scientists don't claim infallibility; they're ready to be wrong (ideally), so that they can move on to the next thing. Creationists are right, period, because the Bible said so. 'Nuff said! $9/four ----- If you're confident after you've just finished an exam, it's because you don't know enough to know better - Jay Weisman - ============================================================================ Government expands to absorb revenue --- and then some - Tom Wicker - If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the Constitution. (It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's statecraft.) Instead, read selected portions of the Washington telephone directory containing listings for all the organizations with titles beginning with the word "National" - George Will - --- Archaic, obfuscating, impenetrable, traditional legal verbiage is under attack and --- incredible but true --- the call for a sharper blue pencil is emanating from an attorney. In "Lawyers on Trial" (Times Books), a kick at the class bias of the legal profession set for the September publication, author/attorney Phillip M Stern tells how officials at Citibank of New York wanted to simplify the language in the bank's loan agreements, but were forced to first engage in "protracted battling" with their legal staff. Not surprisingly, the bank's lawyers did not openly take the position that legal jargon is employed to ensure the public's need to use lawyers. Citibank instituted the change anyway in 1977. Here is the Old versus the New: Old Loan Agreement (368 words): In the event of default in the payment of this or any other Obligation or the performance or observance of any term or covenant contained herein or in any note or other contract or agreement evidencing or relating to any Obligation or any Collateral on the Borrower's part to be performed or observed; or the undersigned Borrower shall die; or any of the undersigned become insolvent or make an assignment for the benefit of creditors; or a petition shall be filed by or against any of the undersigned under any provision of the Bankruptcy Act; or any money, securities or property of the undersigned now or hereafter on deposit with or in possession or under the control of the Bank shall be attached or become subject to distraint proceedings or any order or process of any court; or the Bank shall deem itself to be insecure, then and in any such event, the Bank shall have the right (at its option), without demand or notice of any kind, to declare any part of the Obligations to be immediately due and payable, whereupon such Obligations shall become and be immediately due and payable, and the Bank shall have the right to exercise all the rights and remedies available to a secured party upon default under the Uniform Commercial Code (the "Code") in effect in New York at the time, and such other rights and remedies as may otherwise be provided by law. Each of the undersigned agrees (for the purposes of the "Code") that written notice of any proposed sale of, or of the Bank's election to retain, Collateral mailed to the undersigned Borrower (who is hereby appointed agent of each of the undersigned for such purpose) by first class mail, postage prepaid, at the address of the undersigned Borrower indicated below three business days prior to such sale or election shall be deemed reasonable notification thereof. The remedies of the Bank hereunder are cumulative and may be exercised concurrently or separately. If any provision of this paragraph shall conflict with any remedial provision contained in any security agreement or collateral receipt covering any Collateral, the provisions of such security agreement or collateral receipt shall control. New Loan Agreement (30 words): I'll be in default if I don't pay an installment on time, or if any creditor tries by legal process to take any money of mine in your possession. In 1979, two years after the reform had taken effect, it had not resulted in any litigation ----- A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for the first time - Alfred E Wiggam - ============================================================================ If I had my whole life to live over again, I don't think I'd have the strength - Flip Wilson - ----- The NEWS... All the News that Fits, We Print... It's really hard to believe there are people out in the Great Big Beautiful World who are really as stupid as those we've chosen for this month's installment... Check it out... :) ----- An angry bank customer in Doraville, Georgia, has been charged with a felony after he physically attacked and beat an automated bank teller which refused to return his bank card. Police report that "Tillie," the mechanical teller, "was assaulted and suffered internal injuries" after John Hulme beat the machine with a heavy instrument. Tillie, with $1,000 in damages, has yet to explain why she refused to return Hulme's card ----- Another "dumb robber" was caught by the police last week. In College Park, Georgia, a suburb of Atlanta, an armed man entered a La Quinta hotel lobby with the intention of robbing the place. He pulled out his gun and demanded money from the hotel clerk. The funny thing is that the robber never noticed that there was a FULLY-UNIFORMED police officer standing less than 15 feet away in the lobby. Not only that, but the hotel security camera filmed the entire episode, including the arrest. The local television stations showed the tape on the evening news ----- A panic-stricken woman in Hamilton, Ontario, called police after hearing strange, bird-like noises coming from her balcony. She went out to investigate, she said, and found a 200-pound man swinging happily from the railing above --- completely nude, except for a heavy growth of feathers apparently sprouting from the top of his head. Police failed to apprehend the feathered fiend ----- Armed with "a little extra spending money, their favorite toys and a belief that driving looked easy, an 8-year-old boy and his preschool brother decided to drive their mother's car to Chicago. Andre Anthony, the elder boy, took the wheel as he and step-brother Bobby McGowan, 5, started the car. They hit a utility pole, backed again, but sideswiped a parked Cadillac. The car lurched forward again, jumped a curb, hit a fence, then a house, and came to rest against a tree - Muskegon Michigan - ----- A short lesson in how to give a bank robber the slip: A man walked into Chicago's Ravenswood bank, waited in a long line and then handed teller Michele August a note demanding $6 million in unmarked bills. Snapped Miss August, "You know, you've got to have a withdrawal slip for this much money." She directly him to a counter where he could fill out the form, meanwhile calling police. When the man reached the cage again, a bank officer asked to see the slip, which the man handed over rather nervously. The officer pointed out that the figure on the form was only $6,000. "Oh, that's a mistake," the man said. "I forgot to add enough zeroes." By the time he had finished adding the zeroes, police had shown up and arrested Ignacio Portello, 30, a victim of red tape ----- As the young lady most likely to succeed in selling furnaces to Fiji Islanders, we nominate the teller in Manhattan's Amalgamated Bank who replied regretfully when a greenhorn holdup man sidled up to her window and demanded money, "We haven't got any." He shrugged, turned and walked away ----- At last, an electric cow. Richard Glaser, operator of a saddle shop in suburban Roseville, says his mechanical cow is better than the other kind for one purpose: training horses for ranch work. Glaser's three-wheeled, four-battery cow can run with six or eight horses without having to stop for recharging. He said it will take the place of 10 of the live cows he uses to train horses, but the electric cow has to have a driver inside. For $3,395, it's available in Hereford, Black Angus, Black Whiteface or Brahman - Sacramento - ----- "Police battled a gang of bandits in southern Thailand Saturday. One bandit was killed. A police spokesman said the battle began when the bandit gang, disguised as policemen, challenged a group of policemen disguised as bandits" ----- A woman went into her local phone center to buy an extension phone for her den. She was carrying a plastic bag and when she found a suitable looking phone she opened the bag and extracted a dead opossum. When queried, she said, "Oh, I was just on the way to the taxidermist to get it stuffed and I came in here to buy a phone to match the fur" ----- There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes - Dr Who - We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it - Whole Earth Catalog - ============================================================================ There should be a Nobel Prize for wit. Physicists, chemists, economists we can, in a pinch, do without. Peace we generally DO do without. Wit is indispensable - George Will, Washington Post - ----- Ah, revenge! What vile plottings our minds deal to us in the privacy of our own heads... Well, some folks have actually DONE what they plotted, and we've a few of those here today... Enjoy... ----- Lyle was a guy nobody could stand. Even his own roommate wanted to annoy the poor son-of-a-bitch. So he asked us to call him up --- constantly. Which we would do, around the clock, usually making silly noises. An EECS major had access to a voice synthesis program at school, and he had the computer (it sounded like a Dalek from Dr Who) say, "Lyle Lastnameomitted must die!" endlessly, until Lyle would hang up. Fun stuff, huh? It gets better. This same EECS fellow programmed a computer to dial Lyle's phone number continuously, and the minute he answered the phone, to hang up. The result: the phone rang 24 hours a day. Whenever Lyle picked up the phone, the computer would hang up. He wouldn't even have the chance to put the phone to his ear; the line would be dead. Then, milliseconds after he placed the phone on the hook, it would ring again. The guys from Bell showed up; they figured from the report that someone green-wired Lyle's phone (this involves disconnecting a certain wire inside the transmitter or receiver; it could be done in a matter of seconds, when the victim went down the hall to the bathroom, for instance; the phone rings continuously, and cannot be answered --- you pick the phone off the hook, and the damned thing keeps on ringing. Of course, when the caller hangs up, the phone will stop ringing). The guy from Bell was stumped; he took the whole phone apart, and put it back together, and he still couldn't stop it from ringing without disconnecting it. Of course, he never figured that something was actually dialing the number continuously. As for Lyle, he lost a lot of sleep that week ----- My roommate and I decided a different kind of stereo war was in order with the friends across the hall, so while they were gone one evening, we unhooked the wires from their stereo speakers, and instead plugged in wires that lead to our stereo across the hall. We ran them unseen along the wall, out the door, under the hall rug, and into our room. We got an album of haunted-house sound effects, and waited... About an hour after they went to bed, we put the album on, and at the "torturing screams" part, switched to their speakers and cranked the volume. The best part of the whole prank was hearing the screams loud and clear in the dead (sorry) silence, and then hearing the resulting crashing and bumping as they frantically tried to figure out what was happening. We later got the pictorial description of one of them turning on- off-on-off the stereo switch with wide eyes ----- Pranks for the working environment: Desk drawer confetti. This one takes a little preparation before hand. Materials: Several STURDY rubberbands 2 binder clips(those black metal clip things) Some paper or thin cardboard Tape LOTS of confetti (paper-punch holes work GREAT) Cut the paper/cardboard into strips to form sturdy paddles. Tie the rubberbands end to end to form one long band. Tape the paddles to the rubberband in decent increments. You now have a paddle wheel that, when stretched and wound, will act as a shoveling fan. Open someone's middle desk drawer, and remove the pens, etc, from the pencil tray in the front. Stretch the rubberband paddle across the width of the desk over the pencil tray, and clamp it down with the binder clips. Remove the binder clip handles, and check to see that they will clear when the drawer is closed. Wind the paddle up so that when it is released, it spins the bottom of the paddle toward the victim first --- a shoveling effect. Once it is wound fairly tightly, pour the confetti into the pencil tray. Now the hard part --- with the paddles held horizontally, GENTLY slide the desk drawer closed enough to hold the paddles in place until it is opened. The trap is set. Whenever the drawer is pulled open, the paddles will unwind quickly and shovel/fan the confetti all over the place! ----- His style has the desperate jauntiness of a orchestra fiddling away for dear life on a sinking ship - Edmund Wilson - ============================================================================ And, last but not least, a few words of wisdom. It's true that mankind does not live by bread alone, and we've pretty much proved that axiom with these unusual masterpieces. To quote someone much smarter than myself (hi, kalen!): "I am non-denominational --- I accept all forms of currency. So, open your hearts and empty your pockets!" A wonderful sentiment, don't you think? If you should find it in your hearts to like what we are doing here, and would like to help us stay in business AND solvent, please send your non-tax-deductible donations in whatever amount pleases you to: caren park 2557 Fourteenth Avenue West Suite 501 Seattle, Washington 98119 (01 January 1992) We will acknowledge, in print, those with the warmest thoughts for our survival... If those among you would kindly send in junk that you have no other use for, stuff that you read and find humorous, filth that no one else will take, stories absurd or preposterous, news that isn't fit to line litterboxes anywhere, if you would send those gems to us here at The Humus Report, we'd appreciate it. We will cull from the post office box all death threats and denunciations, and print what we can of whatever is left. The rest is up to you... We would appreciate it if: (1) the sending of copyrighted material for publication was sent ONLY if you also send along a legal release for us to use that material; (2) if you should see non-attributed copyrighted material in our stuff, please let us know ASAP so we can take appropriate actions; (3) if you like what we do here, please donate whatever you feel appropriate, so that we can continue to bring you this stuff month after month... We also have a program contained within CKP-MSG.ZIP (a Fortune-like program) from which everything you will see here can be found, and then some. For a nominal cost per year, I will provide the latest copy of the ibm/compat program AND the latest updates of the datafile to you... Address inquiries about this program and/or the datafile to the address above... A donation of $40 per year will deliver to your doorstep approximately 1 megabyte worth of weird and strange, specially formatted for use with the CKPMSG program... We leave you now with a few thoughts... ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Let your love be stronger than your hate or anger. Learn the wisdom of compromise, for it is better to bend a little than to break. Believe the best rather than the worst. People have a way of living up --- or down --- to your opinion of them. Remember that true friendship is the basis for any lasting relationship. The person you choose to marry is deserving of the courtesies and kindnesses you bestow on your friends. Please hand this down to your children and your children's children. The more things change, the more they are the same - Jane Wells, 1886 - ----- We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it - Whole Earth Catalog - ...until next month...