Alabama Son To Alabama Mother Dear Mom, I'm writng this letter in the dark cause I know how bright lights bother your eyes when you read. You may see that my new address is at Auburn University. I transferred my football scholarship there cause I heard I could make more money playing for them. The Post Office says you should've mailed them heavy buttons separate. So I'm mailing them back to you to mail them to me separate. Sorry to say I got a speeding ticket the other day. The policeman said, "Don't you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour." I said, "Yes, I know, but I was only going to be out for 20 minutes." You may remember our richest relative down here, Cousin Pete. He just bought him a brand new house. I'm going over tomorrow to help him take the wheels off. Pete's last house had a light switch on the wall that didn't control anything. I used to flip it on and off all the time until about a month ago. Pete got a call from a lady down the street that said, "Cut it out!" My new roommate, Lester, is from a real wealthy Mobile family. His Father got rich by designing that little diagram that shows you the right way to insert batteries. I thought that I always put things off until the last minute. Lester got his birthmark when he was 11 years old. Lester says he knows when he is going to die cause his birth certificate has an expiration date on it. Lester and me learned a new game. We fill the tub half full with water. Then we turn the shower on and pretend we're in a sinking submarine. Lester got me a part-time job in town. I didn't take it though. They make fire hydrants, and you can't park anywhere near the place. We got thrown out of the movie the other night for bringing our own food. My arguement was that the concession prices are too high. Lester said, "Yeah, and besides we haven't had a good barbeque since last summer". You'll be proud to hear I only missed class twice this semester. Two weeks in January and 3 weeks in March. I won't be able to call home no more. I was short of money so I bought an irregular phone the other day. It doesn't have any 9's on it. Weel, I need to go for now. Lester got me an interview downtown for a job proof-reading skywriters. Hope to hear from you again soon. Love, Your Son P.S. - I don't know when I'll be home again. I got a discount calender from the phone store. It doesn't have any 7's. I also had something else to tell you, but I already mailed this letter.